A little over a year since my traumatic event and while life is still hectic and full of chaos and disappointment at times, I thank JJ every day for the grace in which she taught me to handle this.
JJ was our couples counselor. He had suggested that we see one in 2010 and had found her on the internet. From the moment I entered her space, I knew that she was compassionate and kind but I had no idea that she alone would redeem my faith in humanity and the medical profession. We attended sessions regularly for several months before I lost faith in the process. She was certainly not the origin of this failure, he was. For seemingly when we were in that well naturally lit room, he listened, he acknowledged, and he promised improvement. But outside he remained in denial and delusion. She did everything that she could but some things are inevitably damaged and broken.
In her many attempts to salvage our relationship, JJ employed all kinds of tactics. I think my favorite was when she asked me to make a list of all his specific actions that I had found to be highly detrimental to us and me. This was preempted by his assertion that the majority of our issue was that I, “could not get over what he had done to me.” So, JJ in all her infinite wisdom decided to address the issue head on. It took me until our next session to logically list out all the different events that were still causing me pain and doubt. I was shocked to discover that it took both sides of a legal pad. I agonized over that list, reading it over and over again to ensure that I was not being “melodramatic” or “over-exaggerating” as I had been accused of this many times by my partner. After several revisions, I was ready to present this horrific laundry list of indiscretions.
On that spring day in March of 2010, he was wearing his long-sleeved, button down, yellow Polo which I had given him, and his favorite Khaki pants. He had let his hair grow out again, which I loved and again appeared as though he was grateful that we were in that room. I sat in the same chair in which I always did, as I am a creature of habit, wearing yoga pants and a pink tank top. JJ sat across from us in her usual black, shiny, artistic yet ergonomically correct chair. She gently moved her short, blonde hair behind one of her ears as she asked me for the list. I slowly and shyly removed it from my purse, unfolded it and handed it over shamefully. JJ took her index finger and pushed her glasses ever so slightly higher on to the bridge of her nose and began reading it. She normally maintained a clinical facial expression but as she read the list, a wave of emotion swept across that fixed face. Upon reaching its conclusion, JJ looked up at me and very forwardly stated,”I honestly have no idea why you are still in this relationship.” I was utterly shocked. I asked her what she meant and she told me that any one thing on that list would have ended most relationships in a heartbeat and that the fact that I had endured all of them and was still trying to make it work was unbelievable. My chest rose and fell with a great breath of relief. Finally, someone understood why I was so upset. Finally, someone acknowledged my hard work and resolve. And most importantly, finally HE realized how truly harmful his behaviour had been. With her honestly and frankness, she had given me hope.
Fast forward to May 23, 2011. He left me. It was always going to happen that way. He was a runner and I was a fighter, not compatible in the least but we had both stayed true to our archetypes. I had recently found out that I was pregnant but in his mind this amazing gift was now a burden so he cut the cord and disappeared to the great Northeast and later to the far East of the globe. With the abruptness and callousness of his actions, I was in total devastation. I had also recently lost my job, so I literally felt as though I had just lost everything. Not knowing where to turn, I called JJ. She told me to come in immediately. Now, just to clarify, we had ended our sessions the year before and JJ had not heard from us or me since then. This fact did not matter to her in the least. She heard someone in pain and without hesitation offered her services. The first time I saw her again, I could hardly speak. I had not eaten or slept in days. Through the endless trail of tears, I attempted to describe the events of that day and the weeks prior. Even she could barely contain the horror she felt listening to this disturbing narration. At the end of that first hour, I knew that I was in for an extremely long process of healing and unfortunately, I did not have the funds to continue seeing her. I expressed my gratitude for that hour and that I could not come in again because I could not afford it. She told me not to concern myself about that and she also wanted to see me again next week.
I returned weekly for almost a year. Never once did JJ make me feel bad for not being able to pay her. Her only concern was in truly helping me to heal and be able to live again and she did!
The first several months, she gave me the strength and resoluteness to just take care of myself. Our sessions were mostly centered around me simply expressing the multitude of emotions which I was at the mercy of as well as the myriad of questions I had regarding his behavior. I was plagued by the hows and whys. I wanted to understand how this person that I had lived with for almost four years could do this to me. I wanted to know why he did not care about his unborn child or even what I was going through. All of this was made more difficult by his total lack of communication. But JJ taught me that it was not about him, it was about me. She instilled in me the idea that I was NEVER going to understand the why and the how, that those were his burdens to bear. My only focus was to be on how I could get through this and truly move past it.
Around month six, we both came to the realization that I was plateauing and in fact stagnating. I was stuck in several negative thought processes that were hindering my growth. These ranged anywhere from, I deserved what happened to me, to grief and shame over having lost my children, to questioning whether or not I was good enough to be loved. Again it would be JJ’s insight and wisdom that would be my saving grace. The thing was, we had focused so much on him and the relationship aspect that we had never really touched on anything else. She asked me to make another list. Only this time it was to be of anything that I deemed traumatic that had happened to me throughout the course of my lifetime. Again, I sat down and hesitantly recalled events from my past that had caused me the same sort of emotional response. There were several. My mom leaving my father when he and I were away, only to come home to a half empty house when I was thirteen. Several years later I was shipped off to a “therapeutic boarding school” because my parents,who were now back together, could not “deal” with me anymore. It turned out to be a sham and was full of medicated zombie children. My ex-fiance leaving in much the same manner, no real explanation and out of nowhere, only to return a year later and beg forgiveness. During that same year, I was violently sexually assaulted by someone who I thought was my friend. And lastly the loss of my children, which I had begun to think was my fault and had left a cataclysmic hole in my heart. All of these with the exception of the last two, I had been told were just part of life and you just deal with them and move on. But even though I thought I had moved past them, really they were like buried treasure waiting to resurface and after the hurricane that was my break up, there they all were, washed up on the beach and littering my soul.
JJ told me that she had done trauma work before with great success but that it would be a painful and altogether difficult process. At this point, I was willing to try anything to get rid of all of this emotional garbage. The process consisted of addressing and reliving each trauma and using tappers in both of my hands while doing so to discover the negative constructs about myself that were attached to each one. And she was right, it was awful. We began with what I deemed the worst and also most recent, the breakup and all of its moving parts. Then one by one in each session, we addressed each one. I remember just crying and crying, almost to the point of disillusion. How much more could I possibly cry? And as I was in that trance like state reliving these terrible events, every now and then I would hear JJ sigh. It was if SHE could barely stand to hear the pain, it was this human-ness and never-ending compassion and sympathy that made her the most amazing person and therapist, I have ever known. We never quite made it through every single one but I am here and I am okay and I am healthy, solely because of her.
I used to joke with her that I wished that she could hypnotize me in to forgetting him altogether. That I wished on a daily basis to have no recollection of him or our life together. But she did one better. Because if I did not remember him or what he put me through, the lesson would be lost. As would the knowledge that I survived him and all the other things that I had endured. Because of JJ, I hardly ever think about him and when I do, there is no emotional attachment whatsoever. Because of JJ, when I think about any of those events, I can think of them without punishing myself. Because of JJ, I am free.
I will never be able to thank her enough. My only hope is that one day, she opens an envelope with a big fat check in it and nows that I have never forgotten what she gave to me. I also hope that she knows, she saved me. I was adrift in an endless ocean of suffering and she selflessly threw me a life line. She did not have to, she was under no obligation but she did. And with her time, expertise, and heart, she saved another human being.
Although, I have tried in this blog posting, words can never express my love, admiration, and appreciation for her. If you appreciate someone, tell them today. Give them a hug, send them a text, or hell blog about them. And if you have gone through anything like this, please do not feel ashamed to ask for help. I could not have done this alone and no one should have to. Somewhere out there JJ’s are running around being real super heroes and yours may just be around the corner.
“And now these three remain:Faith, Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is Love.” I could not have met a better example of this, thank you JJ! You are a model of what I hope to be. I love you. – J
Love Is The Only Way 